Brian Sharpe TMP 2000 married Deborah Horwitz on Sept. 1 in Chicago.

2000

I recently went out with this guy who told me, on our first date, that he had already read all of my columns in Kellogg World. I edged my chair away from him and moved my steak knife out of his reach. How did he know about my columns? He went on to explain that he was concerned that I might not be emotionally ready for a relationship with him because of my tumultuous involvement with some guy named Anthony Elarth.

Well. It was at this moment that I realized that I had been "Googled" ("Googled" is what happens when someone does a Google search on your name to find out every mention of you on the Internet.) Anyway, I had been Googled by a guy who was not only silly enough to admit it, but also oblivious to the fact that my amorous relationship with Anthony is pure fiction — a literary device used to give the column what little momentum it has. I know it. Elarth knows it. Everyone in our class knows it. Google Guy didn't.

Disturbing as that was, I soon found out that this is a widespread issue. Manthos Kallios was on a date with a non-Kellogg woman who asked him why he was known as "blue-blazed legend" (a phrase that I coined in this column). I have also received numerous requests from non-Kellogg people who want to contact people they have read about here. They say ridiculous things like "I used to know Ted Kasten in junior high when he was just a quiet boy with mismatched argyle socks. I had no idea he is actually a superhero. Does Banana Man, by chance, save lives in western Pennsylvania? By the way, my measurements are — " Ted isn't the only one with groupies. Frank Ballabio has a groupie who refers to herself as the "Atrium Octopussy" (you know, because Frank was the Atrium Octopus in Special K).

Anyway, I have been writing this column thinking that the only people who read it are the folks in our class, a handful of people in the classes above and below us, and MAYBE a couple of super-diligent applicants who don't know (or care) who we are. Who knew I would have to write for the larger population of my potential suitors and people who are Googling YOU?

Miami Herald columnist Dave Barry once wrote a column that included closed captioning for the humor-impaired. While I have never purported to be anything as lofty as a humor columnist, I will provide a one-time public service to the Google searchers and other readers who don't get the fact that 99 percent of what I write is unadulterated baloney. I am going to provide closed captioning for the Rosalind-impaired. Hopefully this will rid people of the notion that running around after a couple of drinks in a blue unitard with oversized sunglasses and an Afro wig does NOT make you an actual superhero. [Here she is poking fun at her dear friend Ted Kasten — who is also NOT her boyfriend — for his proclivity to dress in the manner described and call himself Banana Man]. I also feel like messing with Google Guy a little. [This is true.

	Beth Palmer ’00 married Josh Gellert ’00 in Michigan in September. ©Quintessence Imaging

On Sept. 15, Beth Palmer married Josh Gellert in Michigan with a list of Kellogg attendees that would rival a TG. [She is not kidding. A lot of people from Kellogg were there, but if you don't know what a TG is, now is not the time to explain it to you.] I could try to list everyone who was there but I would probably get yelled at for leaving someone out. [This is utter malarkey. Neither Beth nor Josh has ever yelled at anyone in their life and they adore Rosalind so they probably wouldn't start with her.] However, I should mention that 1999 alums Molly (Brenner) McComb and Kristin Jennings stood up as maids of honor and Melissa Gellert '02 was in the bridal party. Eric Brown and Ted Kasten were ushers and as far as I saw, Banana Man kept a low profile until wellafter midnight.

Unfortunately, I missed Missy McCready's wedding to Matt McGinnes '99 on Dec. 7 in Naples, Fla. [This is true. She did miss their wedding due to work, but managed to meet them on their honeymoon in a demented version of "Kellogg-students-must-do-everything-in-groups." Just Kidding — meeting them on their honeymoon was entirely coincidental.] I got the scoop from Jim Kim, however. It was truly amazing — everything from how beautiful Missy looked, to the chocolate martinis, to the general pageantry of the whole event. Jim also mentioned that he didn't think a minute passed when a Kellogg Alum wasn't perched at the bar like a thirsty dog at an empty water bowl. [This is a simile intended to make light of the reputation Kellogg grads have for — er — "enjoying" themselves. In reality, Missy and Matt's guests held themselves to a respectable two-drink limit. As far as you know.] Guests included Kendra Drozd, Cheryl Schwartz, Liz Kaiser, Mary Briggs, George Watson, Meredith Lincoln, Erin Kenny, Jim Kim, Sue Allshouse, Steve McLaughlin, Andy Ford, Emily Ford '01, Tim Drozd '01, and, from the class of 1999, Brett Huff, Richard Jones, Tom Walsh, Shishir Verma, Vince Tsai, Kevin Weinstein and Mike Rosenband.

April Taylor married Josh Spencer in September. They got married on a sailboat in Destin, Fla. Andrew Welch was among a small group of friends and family that joined them for the festivities. The Kellogg Mafia has forgiven April for going against the Family and marrying a digit-head from University of Chicago. [What Rosalind did here is make a lame attempt at humor with an over-used joke about how U of C has a reputation for being very quantitative. April's husband doesn't actually have a digit for a head. Furthermore, Kellogg students aren't, technically, in a Mafia or even, usually, related.]

Steve Lacoff married Amanda Smith on Oct. 5. They were married at Figure 8 Island in North Carolina where Amanda's parents have a home. The wedding was a lovely weekend affair for the Kellogg alumni in attendance: Phil Furse, Bob Dold, Brett Alexander, Adam Koontz, Mal Hebblewhite, Robert Lesley and Freeman Hall. From what I hear, Koontz put on quite a break-dancing exhibition [Probably true — Adam is very talented], and rumor has it that Freeman smooched a bartendress. [Probably not true, but she included it anyway because she thought "bartendress" was a funny word.]

Mimi Green married Robin O'Connell on Aug. 10. They were married at Mimi's parent's summer home in Hamilton, Mont. Lara Balazs, Ricardo Balazs, Emily Gellady and John Rakowski were there to celebrate. Mimi and Robin are still living in San Francisco, where Robin works for VISA and Mimi is at Yahoo. I will also say that while I have nothing but the warmest wishes for them both, I do think it should be illegal for people with such amazing genes to be married. [C'mon. Of course this isn't her position on tort reform in the reproductive milieu. It is just a silly way of saying that she loves Robin and Mimi and, by the way, have you noticed how attractive they both are?]

John Rakowski and Emily Gellady got married Aug. 25 in Beaver Creek, Colo., with about 40 Kellogg classmates in attendance. Jennie Tsai, Josh and Beth Gellert and Eric Brown decided Vail was boring [this is sarcasm — nobody really thinks Vail is boring] so they played wiffleball behind the hotel. Mimi O'Connell and Kim Stanley watched Robin O'Connell slide down Vail Mountain face first, narrowly avoiding plunging to his death as inertia hurled him towards the perilous cliff. [This is probably an exaggeration to describe the spectacle of Robin tripping as he returned from the bar with drinks for Mimi and Kim. Sometimes she has to take artistic license when classmates send her incomplete information.] Ky Vu, Minesh Shah, Michelle Arnau, Veena Rau and Piali Bhattasali went whitewater rafting except that there wasn't any whitewater [Irony]. Sounds like they could have saved their money and just used a Slip'n'Slide. [See, a Slip'n'Slide involves water and causes the user to get thrown around, but is much cheaper than white-water rafting ... OK, yes, that was pretty lame, but, hey, quit being so judgmental.] Meredith Lincoln, Leslie Sagalowicz and Jeff Jones all had events the day before but all took morning flights to make it in time — true friends!

A bunch of folks went down to Tampa to attend Doug Beekman's wedding, including Peter Solomon, Gretchen Hall '01, Bill Dauphinais, Andy West, Jim Dougan, Javi Carballo, and Geoff Mattson. (Apparently several search parties are still attempting to locate Will Stokes.) [There weren't ACTUAL search parties, like with torches and dogs and stuff. Will's friends just don't know why he wasn't at the wedding.] Anyway, the reception was fun, but after a while it became clear that Mattson's rap wasn't working on any of Beekman's wife's sorority sisters, so the crew took their act to Mons Venus, where everyone got to watch Mattson demonstrate his "Wax on; Wax off" technique. [This was the technique Mr. Miyagi used in the movie The Karate Kid to teach Ralph Macchio how to beat up bullies, but Geoff hasn't been bullied by anyone since the third grade.]

Finally, some details on Mark Bivens and Trista Bridges wedding! [She's been waiting a while.] Mark acknowledged his full and brutal defeat [a tongue-in-cheek reference Mark made to the fact that some men — not Mark — see marriage as adversarial proposition] by a woman who knows exactly how to pull his marionette strings. [Mark is actually a human being, not a puppet. This is a metaphor Mark used to describe how smitten he is with Trista.] So, on Aug. 24, after 90 minutes of religious discussion and benediction (almost exclusively in French), the reception was held at the Piper Heidsieck champagne house, where they flew in a DJ from Jamaica for the party! Kellogg friends included Peter Kjome, Steve Katz, Chris Massey, Ariane Gorin, Carol Henry, Ashmita Goswami, Trena Drayton, Kirsten Kingseed, Frances Ofosu-Amaah, Christophe Ambrosi '01, Jeff Patton, FrÈdÈric Halley '97, Arnaud Quintin '99 and Gurpreet Singh '03.

I recently got several emails from classmates who requested that I provide metric conversions of all relevant baby information. [A total lie — who would actually request this?]. I have given this some thought [C'mon. She spends every minute of her time running her new business (www.qiphotos.com). Do you really think she has time to be thinking about metric conversion rates for babies?] and I have decided that we're not doing that. [This whole bit is really just a cheap ploy to ease you into a bunch of statistics about the lengths and weights of your classmates' babies.] That said, let's talk about babies.

Vivian and Marty Rubinstein welcomed twin girls: Sophia Denise and Camilla Michelle on Oct. 30. Camilla was born at 11:05 a.m., weighed 4 lbs., 7 oz. and measured 17 inches long. Sophia was born at 11:09 a.m., weighed 4 lbs.,10 oz. and 18 inches long. Labor was 59 minutes and delivery took 9 minutes total. Everybody is doing great! [You read it all, right? See how well her cheap ploys work?]

On the other side of the world, [lame literary transition device], on that same day, Kim and Jeff Studenka were welcoming Claire Elizabeth. Claire was 6 lbs., even and 19 inches long. Everyone did great, but golden lab Sam is still adjusting to her demotion from favored child status. [You see, dogs are great but universally regarded as less significant than a new baby.]

Samantha Shaye was born on Oct. 8 to Dominique and Will Hawthorne. She weighed 7 lbs., 10 oz., has brown hair, blue eyes, and looks like her mom — thank God. [Will wrote this text and Will is not actually unattractive at all. But it is Will's way of telling Dominique how exceptionally beautiful she is — which is true.]

Sashonda Warren gave birth to Jasmine Renee on Sept. 3 as an early birthday present for Christian Warren, whose birthday was the next day. That's right, Sashonda delivered the baby, stuck the swaddled baby in a Hallmark gift bag, handed the package Christian, and said "No, honey, it's not TiVO." [This is just silly. Everyone knows a 7 lb. 8 oz., 21-inch-long baby isn't going to fit in a standard Hallmark gift bag. Besides, Christian already has TiVO.]

Amy and Greg Barber welcomed Elizabeth Rose to their family Oct. 29. Elizabeth weighed 8 lbs., 7 oz. and was 21 inches long. She has light brown hair, baby blue eyes, long eyelashes, a cute little nose, makes cooing noise when you talk to her and could hold her own head up the first night she was born (which is more than I can say after Greg's first night at the Deuce). [This is a silly reference to an establishment which some people — certainly not Greg — use to frequent back during their Kellogg days where they served these strange beverages that made one's head feel heavier than usual.]

Hong (David) Wu's daughter, Claire Ruojia, was born Nov. 27 in New York City. She weighed 7 lbs., 3 oz. and was 20 inches in length. Hong has become a proud papa in this booming baby year — Particularly since his daughter is one inch longer than Ann and John Haeflinger's daughter, Sarah Grace, (born Jan. 15) who was only 19 inches long. John was quick to point out that Sarah beat Claire by a full ounce in the weight department (at 7 lbs., 4 oz.) and that he is currently building some sort of stretching apparatus so that Sarah will get longer, faster. [This is absurd. John never said any of that. In fact, John probably just found out two sentences ago that Hong even has a baby. Besides, who in their right mind cares if someone else's baby is one inch longer?] This competitive situation has convinced both girls that perhaps their dads attended Harvard. [This refers to the fact that HBS students are rumored to be competitive. Moreover, if the infant girls actually have cognitive abilities beyond understanding their primal desires, they are probably wondering why Rosalind is making such a dumb joke about how long they are.]

Steve and Rebecca Schneiderman ’00 welcomed Hannah Whitney on Sept. 27. ©2002 Quintessence Imaging

Steve and Rebecca Schneiderman welcomed Hannah Whitney on Sept. 27. She weighed 7 lbs., 14 oz. Hannah is a really beautiful baby and I ought to know because she is not only one of my clients, she is also one of my models. [While Rosalind is shamelessly plugging her business, but she is not lying about Hannah being beautiful — check out Hannah's modeling debut in the family section at www.qiphotos.com.]

Lisa and Pat Callahan had a baby girl (Emily Caroline) on Sept. 19. She weighed in at 6 lbs. 15 oz. and is doing great. More on Pat and family later.

Ricardo and Lara Balazs moved to Portland, Ore. Lara is now working in marketing for Nike and has requested that I not make any lame "just do it" jokes. [Lara did not ask anything of the sort. Lara is one of the most relaxed people on earth and Rosalind's joke would have to be exceptionally lame to get Lara even remotely riled up.]

Amy and Greg Barber moved from Chicago to Texas where they are enjoying the 70-degree weather that Texas offers. They are also looking forward the stateside return of Melinda and Stacey Lawrence, who are moving back to Texas this summer. I hear two couples, plus their respective daughters, are going to move into a duplex together so they can re-live Evanston days. [A really lame joke because the Barbers and the Lawrences were next-door neighbors at Kellogg.]

Doug and Kim Stanley Bergen just bought a house in Houston. Kim says that they have been doing a lot of home improvement these days — apparently the former owner thought they lived in the "Barbie Dream House" because the whole house, from basement to attic, was painted pink. [Rosalind knows perfectly well that the only people who actually want to live in the Barbie Dream House are 6-year-old girls, she just has no other means to justify such bizarre decorating behavior.]

Hong Wu earned the CFA designation after successfully completing three levels of rigorous exams. He is currently a credit risk manager at RBC Financial Group in New York. Tanya Smith got promoted to manager at ATK.

OK, I'll say it: I turned 30 in January and had a fabulous birthday dinner party thrown by Sue Allshouse. We had a group of folks who I am pretty sure are now banned from Kamehachi [not really] including Steve McLaughlin, Tom Behan, Siri Eklund, Liz Kaiser, Paige Herren '01, Van Crocker '01, and Bethany Wenner '01. Bethany led the gang in the proper sake bomb etiquette and I learned the most important lesson of all: 30 isn't so bad. It's really just like 21, but with a bigger bank account and a much better apartment. [This is true.]

Chris Parisi left his job at McDonald Investments and moved his family to Cleveland. Now he's an angry, displaced New Yorker [Everyone knows Chris isn't angry, but she is just playing off the angry New Yorker stereotype.] who can't have a conversation without insisting that the person with whom he is speaking doesn't know what a slice of pizza or a bagel is really supposed to taste like. [This is not a stereotype. All New Yorkers really think this about their bagels and pizza.] Fear not, Chris swears they'll get back to NYC soon enough.

Jim Kim recently relocated from sunny California to not-as-sunny Seattle to take a job in the new ventures group at Starbucks Coffee Co. [Go ahead: Insert caffeine joke here]. He was slightly distressed to find that a) everything he owns own fits into a Toyota Tercel [Which is pulling a 50-foot U-haul.]; and b) he will be required to update his information in the alumni database for the third time since graduation. [A lie. Jim hasn't updated his information once. Frankly, neither have you.] Jim sees Erin Kenny and Bill Feinberg, as well as Kate Brustad and Lynn Miller, when he coincidentally moved into the same apartment complex as them, further perpetuating the idea that Kellogg people can't do anything by themselves.

Oscar Ruiz completed the 2002 British 10K race. Unfortunately, his race photo wasn't taken with the rest of his running group (two colleagues from Stanford and one from Insead) since the Kellogg participant (Oscar) was, frankly, faster and better looking. [This may betray her Kellogg bias, but it's also probably true].

After Pat Callahan and his partners shut down their company, NextPart, Pat took the summer off (a big hit with his then-six-month pregnant wife, Lisa. [This is light sarcasm — it wasn't a big deal]). Then, after his Emily was born, Pat took a job in Cleveland with Progressive Insurance — so progressive, in fact, that Pat gets paid to go hang out with his Hell's Angels buddies at motorcycle rallies across the country. [This is heavy sarcasm. Have you met Pat? If you believe that Pat has friends who are Hell's Angels, then you might as well believe that Ted Kasten is a superhero.]

La-Z-Boy has appointed Jennifer L. Sievertsen director of brand marketing for its residential diision. In her new role, Jennifer will lead all brand marketing functions and develop long-term brand marketing strategies.

And finally, in case you are wondering, Google Guy is still single. If you are interested, I can give you his information, but I bet he'll manage to find yours. [She's serious.]