Students Deceive One Another and Throw Dangerous Objects in Bar

Chicago, IL: At a downtown Chicago bar during orientation week, EMP61 students guzzled booze, prevaricated, and busted up the joint. One student explained away the group's behavior saying, "We were just trying to get to know one another". Few in the academic community bought the excuse.

Sitting at tables just yards from 61ers, bystanders reported hearing raucous chatter punctuated by bellowing guffaws. Officials maintain that the laughter was fueled by so called "white lightning". Dr. Yash Chaudhri, a New York psychiatrist and class member, cited studies showing a causal relationship between sipping liquor and behaving in a gregarious fashion. "Yash" also noted that

incidents of spilled wine increase logarithmically with alcohol consumption. He added that victims of wine spills are often emotionally scarred for life, especially those who have close connections to cell phones.

Alcohol seems to effect more than just the coordination of wine drinkers. Brad Mueller said that he started for his college basketball team. Brian Gillam claimed that he was arrested for lewd conduct in his home state of Colorado. Doris deBeer even claimed he was a member of the famous family known for diamonds. These chemical-induced yarns are fascinating, if not scintillating; unfortunately, however, none of them is true.

The dishonesty didn't stop with tall tales. Classmates used several diversions in attempts to win the bowling contest. Mike Booth was said to have bribed pin boys with dollar bills stuffed in the finger holes of bowling balls, earning him a 240+ score. Others followed Mike's lead. In the end, Paul Lazarre confiscated the kitty for the EMP61 social fund and left Travis Bembenek, likely the rightful winner with a verifiable score above 180, without a penny.

After hearing of the near-riot, EMP60 class members called for EMP61's expulsion. But in a follow-up investigation reportedly conducted at the Allen Center on Saturday, February 7 by FBI Director Muller

himself, inspectors found that the booze was simply beer, wine, and soft drinks, the prevaricating was all in good fun, the only objects thrown were bowling balls, and the only items "busted up" were twenty pins at the end of two bowling lanes.

(January 6, 2004)